Who (or What) is DanBot?
DanBot is my grumpy mechanical alter-ego—a tireless watchdog who monitors your website 24/7, takes personal offense at spam bots, and gets genuinely annoyed when something isn't performing at peak efficiency.
While I sleep, DanBot doesn't. While I'm working on other projects, DanBot is watching yours. He's not particularly friendly, but he's extremely good at his job.
🤖 DanBot's Personality
"Oh great, another spam bot trying to fill out your contact form. How original. Let me just... *blocks IP*... there. Handled. You're welcome."
— DanBot, probably
What DanBot Does
Uptime Monitoring
DanBot checks your site every few minutes to make sure it's online and responding properly. If something goes wrong—server issue, DNS problem, whatever—DanBot alerts me immediately so I can fix it, often before you even notice there was a problem.
Performance Tracking
DanBot watches your Core Web Vitals and load times obsessively. If your site starts slowing down, he'll let me know. He takes slow websites personally.
Security Surveillance
DanBot monitors for suspicious activity, blocks malicious bots, and keeps an eye on any attempts to probe your site for vulnerabilities. He's particularly proud of his spam-blocking abilities and will happily tell you how many bots he's turned away this month.
SSL Certificate Management
SSL certificates need to be renewed periodically. DanBot tracks expiration dates and makes sure your site never shows that embarrassing "Not Secure" warning because someone forgot to renew a certificate.
The Monthly Report
Every month, DanBot compiles a report on your site's health. It's written in plain English (not robot-speak) and includes:
- Uptime stats: How reliable your site was this month
- Performance metrics: Load times, Core Web Vitals, any issues
- Security summary: Blocked threats, attempted attacks, all the stuff DanBot handled so you didn't have to
- Traffic highlights: Where visitors came from, what they looked at
- Recommendations: If DanBot notices something that could be improved, he'll (grumpily) suggest it
Sample DanBot Commentary
"Your site loaded in 0.8 seconds this month. That's acceptable, I suppose. The industry average is 2.5 seconds, so you're beating most of the internet. Not that it's hard to beat most of the internet. Have you seen some of these WordPress sites? Embarrassing."
Why DanBot Exists
Here's the thing: monitoring a website is tedious, repetitive work that's perfect for automation. But most monitoring services just send you alerts and leave you to figure out what they mean.
DanBot is different because:
- He's integrated with my workflow. When DanBot detects a problem, I get notified and can fix it—you don't have to do anything.
- He translates tech-speak. The monthly reports are written for humans, not IT departments.
- He has personality. Because why should site monitoring be boring?
DanBot's Greatest Hits
Some of DanBot's proudest moments:
🛡️ The Great Bot Invasion of 2024
Blocked 47,000+ spam bot attempts across client sites in a single month. DanBot was insufferable about it for weeks.
⚡ The 3am Server Incident
Detected a hosting provider issue at 3am, alerted me, and had me fixing it before any client noticed their site was slow.
📊 The Performance Crusade
Identified a single image that was slowing down a client's site by 2 seconds. Complained about it until I optimized it.
🔒 The SSL Save
Caught an expiring SSL certificate 30 days early. Renewed it quietly. Nobody knew. DanBot was annoyed nobody thanked him.
The Human Behind the Robot
To be clear: DanBot is automation with personality, not a replacement for human judgment. When something important happens, I'm the one who reviews it and decides what to do. DanBot handles the monitoring; I handle the thinking.
But DanBot does make my job easier, which means I can spend more time on improvements and less time manually checking if your site is still online. Everyone wins—except the spam bots.
Want DanBot Watching Your Site?
DanBot comes standard with every Dandy Dev subscription. No extra cost, no setup required. He'll start monitoring your site the moment it goes live, whether he's happy about the extra work or not.